Who I Am

“I’m surprised to see you back,” he said. “I would have thought you’d be married with your first child by now.”

“Tom, it’s only been four months since I’ve seen you last!” I exclaimed. I was back substituting at a school I frequent for the first time this school year. He and I will often talk when I sub there and he was joking with me. It was funny, but it also further illuminated something that I’ve been feeling lately.

I, like many women my age, am stuck in between two ideals. On one hand, I am supposed to have a career and an education. I am expected and I desire to go far in both of these areas. At the same time, I am expected to get married and have a family, which is also something I desire. I am learning though, that focusing on accomplishing both things is impossible.

Mathematically you cannot give 100% of yourself to multiple different things.

Right now I am in the midst of my last semester of graduate school, which includes an internship and another class. And I’m a substitute teacher on the days I’m not at my internship. When I finally get a chance to relax after completing homework, working out, and prepping for my internship, I just want to put sweatpants on and crash either in bed or in front of the TV. I certainly don’t have the energy to get all dazzled up and ready to go out on a date or check eharmony, or whatever other method of husband hunting people have recently suggested.

I’ve always been a people pleaser. I think that in my decisions for my life I give some consideration to what others will think or say. But that quickly gets exhausting. I’m tired of it. I know what I want from my life and I know the One who is holding my future. And He’s the only one I should be worried about pleasing.

I am a graduate student. I am a substitute teacher who is not looking for a permanent teaching job. I am a sister, daughter, and friend. I am love by the God of the Universe. I am single. And I am okay with that.

With A Whimper

At the Leadership Summit last week Bill Hybels spoke in the initial session. One of the things that he said has been buzzing around in my head. I'm not sure if I can completely agree with it. I'm paraphrasing here, but he said that the way we finish something is how we will be remembered and said not to finish with a whimper. On some level I get that. I know that as a leader you have to know when to quit and move on rather than taking people down with you. The whole "quit while you're ahead" idea. I get it, and I know that in some areas leadership is different from our everyday lives.

At the same time, I played sports in school. In field hockey one of our mantras was to "leave everything on the field." If we came off the field and were not on the verge of collapsing, we were not playing hard enough. When I was a captain and was a leader on my team, I knew that I really had to embody this. I'm not sure that I was always the best example in this area, but I knew the principle.

I think I tend toward the latter idea in my life. I'd rather go all out and give my endeavors everything that I have. I'd rather finish with a whimper than know that I still had more energy that I could have given.

Thoughts?

Boxes

On Saturday I had breakfast with one of my closest friends, Emily. On the way to the restaurant I passed a man who was evidently homeless. He was dirty, disheveled, and was carrying several very full bags. I felt sorry for him and offered up a quick prayer that God would bless him. I was content to go on with my day

...but then he came into the restaurant

He took up an entire table for four and simply sat there the entire time we were there and apparently stayed after that. He didn't buy anything, just sat there. I found myself getting annoyed. He was not a paying customer and had no right to be in the restaurant with me, someone who was eating. After all, he was dirty. 

It took me a minute to realize the error of my thoughts. I was fine with him when he was far away (at least the other side of the road), but when he came close my attitude changed.

Not long ago I was talking with a friend and sharing about my love for short term missions trips. I got really honest and said that in some ways I find them easier than service projects around my area. I said that I can go and make a small impact, but then put the suffering and devastation that I've seen into a little box labeled "Haiti" or "Belize" and essentially walk away from it. Certainly I pray for the people and the situations, but I don't have to see it everyday. 

Recently I've realized that this needs to change somehow. I've been exploring ways that I can live in an area and make an impact there. And it terrifies me. But something has to change.

An image of an IDP Camp from the box marked "Haiti"